| & i hope you find your freedom, for eternity's Journal |
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& i hope you find your freedom, for eternity
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[Tuesday
September 23rd, 2008] |
shall risk writing this on my blog. Today was my first time looking at siti's and azura's friendster and I realised how stupid it is.
And about the different sides of them that I hope I will never ever have to face.
And Siti has a picture of Adam on her friendster. Only that it is an extremely OUTDATED picture - those of him performing in Akademi Fantasia 2.
Now he looks so much better. Nicer hair.
And I like him more.
Hmpf.
Hahahahaha such a SAD SAD person.
Girls' school drama man. & to think I barely registered her existence back then. Or now, for that matter. Shrugs.
Selamat hari raya maaf zahir batin! :)
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| for the last time |
[Saturday
March 22nd, 2008] |
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I'm moving.
Too much emotional baggage here la. Haha. Been good though, many many memories. Oh wells.
Time for a clean slate.
Take care ya'all. ;)
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[Friday
March 21st, 2008] |
I'm pretty much done with letting thoughts&feelings get the better of me. Time to clear my head & look ahead.
Listening to someone's Ungu playlist on imeem & smiling wryly to myself. Soundtrack of my life baby. Hahaha. Strange isn't it, how life sorts itself out sometimes. A whole chain of people liking other people, chasing after people that they can never get, being chased by people that they don't quite want. Loving someone you cannot be with, being loved by someone who wants to be with you. Waiting for that person ahead of you to turn around, glancing back to see if the person behind is still there, half hoping that he still is.
Well I'm done with the former. Haha. Shrugs.
Anywaaaaaays.
Nice cold day, Khai is going out with his mates, parents going out on a date. And me, I have a date with my Uni Apps. Haha. Bye all.
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[Thursday
March 20th, 2008] |
Somebody has been making me listen to indon songs and now I'm hooked heh. All these tortured-lover Ungu songs. Feel the pain manz ;p
I think Roger, the guy sitting at the desk behind me is throwing me dirty looks cos' his rock songs cannot be heard hahahaha. No la, Roger is nice :D My co-workers are all damn fun & nice. And they keep teasing me with KZ hahaha. It's damn funny, they'll keep whacking him about me & he'll just be like helplessly trying to protest & blushing at the same time. HAHAHAH. It's so cute, when we step outside the staff room, we immediately put on our teacher faces, act-stern & all, but inside it's like we're all joking around, laughing. (: And WORKING ofcourse, ahems Roger. He claims I never do anything but log on to MSN & Youtube & that he's going to ask my boss to increase my workload hahahahah. What nonsense, of course I do work :D I can multi-task, thanks.
Oh and I think it's damn funny how the Unholy Rhombus are cross-MSNing each other today. I have three windows open with Fel & * & - separately hahaha. Productive workers that we are. :p
Okaaaaaaaay I have a lunch date with my 2TC hahaha. Bye!
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[Thursday
March 20th, 2008] |
Hello! :)
Today will be a good day. No fknn kids are gonna spoil it for me, no stupid thoughts about stupid boys are going to get me dowwwwwwn. :D :D :D
Because the long weekend is here babyyyyyyy (:
& yes I am going out tonight heheheh.
Woohoo!
Kbye ;)
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[Wednesday
March 19th, 2008] |
Listening to the accoustic version of Ryan Cabrera's True, feeling mellowed out & just the right amount of sadness. Which is good, better than not feeling anything. But the song is just...SAD MAN. Tsktsk.
Today was a very long & draining day. I'm outta here bye.
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| Oh. Right. |
[Tuesday
March 18th, 2008] |
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Anyways.
I finally realised what the song means. I know, I unabashedly declare that my malay sucks & I am terrible at deciphering malay/indon lyrics. So now. I feel quite dumb. Haha. And actually very confused. Because like. Okayy? Huh.
So yea guess I'll just go down the blur-cock I have no idea what's going on, a song is just a song route.
Which is probably the correct route to take anyways! Hahaha. Cynical bitch that I am. Howell. Never assume, makes an ass of of u & me (:
Okay Miss Diana has to go to bed now before she faces another day with Le Monstars. Heh. Bye.
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[Tuesday
March 18th, 2008] |
The inevitible has happened....
(No, I haven't fallen in love, thanks. Let's keep it that way.)
My kids have found my Friendster account. :O
And are henceforth attempting to add me to their friends list, one by one.
(knnbccb! -.-)
Scrambles desperately to try & evaluate which photos are deemed too havoc for a teacher in charge of hormonal fourteen year olds.
Good lord. Faints.
Anyhows.
I should be a boy. I have all these sweet romantic grand gestures stored away in my head, in that box labelled "Boy Thoughts". Damn Damn! Hahaha. Kidding. I love being a girl :D Anyways sweets hope you liked the little surprise :):):)
K I'm off to exercise some damage control over my Friendster account. HAHA. Bye!
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[Tuesday
March 18th, 2008] |
Sitting in the courtyard in school for a change, there's a sec one class beside me and they're happily giggling away in an Art class. Sun's shining bright, sky looks cloudless and the morning air really is refreshing. Looks to be a gorgeous day, despite the achy after-gym feeling.
Firehouse's When I See You Smile makes me smile, no pun intended. Hahahaha.
Shit happens laaa huhhh.
I miss my friends, and the carefree days of living life in excesses. Laughing too much, emo-ing too much, loving too much. It used to be that we had so much love to give away, so much potential to care & share, caught up in our ideals of the perfect boyfriend, the perfect relationship, the perfect once in a lifetime, live forever with the glory type of love.
And now that we've grown up, shed our inhibitions, fallen in and out of love, gotten jobs that drain the crap out of us, overstepped a few boundaries & gotten rid of some others, it's just...different I guess.
I'm doing that thing that I always do again. The I really really like him but somehow the whole thing is sputtering because I'm inexplicably repelled by the notion of wanting or expecting more & hence am subconsciously giving off negative vibes thing.
Self-preservation. Always about the self-preservation.
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[Monday
March 17th, 2008] |
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I think I'm becoming one of those sadists who put on their fuck-off-i'm-exercising look (complete with the frown & grim smile) and stare straight ahead while their legs work at the treadmill & stationary bike. Hah. Seriously though, I thrive on the pain, punishing myself for every gram of unhealthy food consumed, for every stupid foolish thing done, for feeling things I shouldn't. Hmm. I know, everything I never imagined I would ever be. Well at least I'm keeping in shape.
I'm having this very interesting online convo...very interesting indeed. ;) Bottomline : I so should start charging for all these how-to and tips la ehhh. HAHAHAHA.
Okay suddenly I'm feeling very drained & deflated. And the constant random reminders about stuff that have no relevance whatsoever is giving me a fucking headache. Been going on for a lot these couple of days. Pening ah. K gonna hit the showers bye.
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[Sunday
March 16th, 2008] |
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I think sometimes indecision is the only thing that's standing between you & the rest of your life. Human beings are fickle that way, they rarely know what they want, they choose to hang back & get stuck in that zone of neither here nor there. They're afraid of taking the plunge, of taking a deep breath and saying screw the consequences, I'm going to do this anyway, and just jumping off. Because the way I see it, once you decide on something, put your whole heart into wanting it, you'll get it someway or another. And the only reason why you wouldn't, was because you weren't sure if you wanted it in the first place.
Which kind of reflects on my state of being right now really. And pretty much explains why I'm probably never going to do a ms lew & confess to whatever hahahah ;) Because it's kind of...I don't know what to explain or confess to anyway. Shrugs. :)
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[Saturday
March 15th, 2008] |
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[Saturday
March 15th, 2008] |
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Okay here's the plan for today.
-Uni Apps.
-Gym Gym Gym. I have to get in shape. Hmmhmm.
- A nice little quiet dinner with the family on a saturday night? (:
HAHA. kbye.
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[Friday
March 14th, 2008] |
Today:
- Clean the house ( & score points with mother dear hohoho)
- Gym ( & figure out exactly what the status quo is right now because correct me if I'm wrong but I think I just screwed things up again. Hmmm.)
- Night out? ( pending on status of first bracket above pft.)
Things should always be kept simple. Don't commit to anything, never reveal too much of what's really going on inside you. Lean back, hang loose & enjoy whatever there is to enjoy. Because at the end of the day, what is this but mere sport in a life meant for so much more? ;)
Okbye!
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[Thursday
March 13th, 2008] |
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Strange, the way it's been raining so heavily recently. It puts the world outside in a perpetual blurry glow of soft lights & gets you all dreamy & snuggly especially when a medley of Robbie Williams' songs is playing, his soft mellow ballads like Eternity & She's The One & Angel. I don't know what it is about him, maybe it's the whole bad boy facade sensitive soul underneath thing he's got going on, or maybe it's because his songs speak to me tonight the way they never have before.
Last night I realised that I will always remember this with a certain degree of fondness. And no matter how it ends, whether we drift apart slowly until we don't talk anymore, or one of us sits the other down and says that it's over, I don't think I'll ever feel bitter about anything, and that he has been a real pal. Honest to god, I'll remember this with a smile. Hahaha. And probably a bit of a laugh too.
Good grief, it really is a small country. Migrate migrate, I want to migrate. Then maybe we won't have to play musical chairs so much. Tsktsktsk.
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[Wednesday
March 12th, 2008] |
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There's a thunderstorm brewing outside & the fact that I'm inside all warm & safe makes me (: I know I've mentioned that I love gorgeous afternoons that has the sun shining & the breeze blowing, but I must say that I'm a fan of huge storms too, the way the rain batters on the windowpane & you can feel the spray on your face if you sit near the window. The way the trees outside are at the mercy of the howling wind & you see exactly how fragile Life can be.
So anyway.
I'm off to watch Cinta & a host of other poignant movies that will hopefully put things into perspective. (:
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[Tuesday
March 11th, 2008] |
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Lofty dreams versus practical guide to life. So many options, so many routes to take, so many decisions to make. And then there's that twinge of dread that accompanies you in the middle of the night, when you're all alone under the covers with your thoughts & there's no reassurance from anyone to bolster you from the breakdown.
I don't like feeling conflicted, and this strange mix of yearning & detachment is making me feel that way.
I want someone, anyone. To look me in the eyes & tell me that everything, just about everything in the world, is gonna be alright & someday when all this has passed, when we have all found our calling & respective partners, we will look back on this & say that it was worth the wait.
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[Monday
March 10th, 2008] |
Hit the gym today & it felt good to sweat all the negativity out again. Felt just like back in school, venting everything out on the soccer ball during trainings, pounding the track (no matter how infrequently that was heh) each step taking me further away from all the shitz that was going on in the lecture halls & tutorial classrooms.
Met the girls for dinner after that (: Twas good, and I've come to realise that in life, you need that one group of people that you know you can always count on to get you through everything. They don't have to come out and say that they're there, you guys don't even have to talk about it. But you know & they know that you'll always be there for each other.
Headed to FP after that. The thing about FP is that no matter who you're with, or the amount of human traffic around, or even the fact that there's a police station right next to it, you always feel as if it's just you & the nightsky, and as you gaze up far away, you feel this overwhelming sense of peace settle over you & it's as if you're pure once more, unburdened by matters that you have no control over.
Having a good chat with an old friend (: Strange, how we used to do all the girls-school drama thing, bitching & hating over things that I can't even fathom right now. But somehow, I feel this strange fondness towards her, like she's the link to the adolescence that has long passed. Same reason I hold on so strongly to Izzat's friendship I guess, because he's quite possibly the only person in my life right now, who has seen me through the years, from the weird awkward sec one girl, to the more mature, more well-adjusted young lady that you see right now.
I still think the whole The One business is tricky. Haha. But yea well. Fate has a place & time.
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[Monday
March 10th, 2008] |
OMG.
This damn country is too fucking damn small.
And EVERYONE knows EVERYONE ELSE. Omgfffff.
I swear I'm going to migrate.
OMGOMGOMG!!!
kbye.
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[Monday
March 10th, 2008] |
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Last night huddled up beneath my comforter in the dark & listening to Damien Rice's Cannonball on repeat and suddenly feeling this deep ache in my heart, for something or someone to hold on to. What if The One has already passed you by & the rest of your life was meant to be spent with mere substitutes? Because there was supposed to be only one boy & one love story, and we were supposed to live forever in each other's arms. And the thought of that someone eluding me, somehow just walking past me someday without either of us noticing the other, just sends this wave of panic & sense of helplessness crashing onto me. Because as much as this girl enjoys hanging loose right now, ultimately we all know that all she's looking for is someone to go home to at the end of the day, someone to love & cherish with all of her little heart's might, and someone who will do the same for her.
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